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Keith [userpic]
Offensiveness, the new holiday tradition
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at December 23rd, 2012 (03:17 pm)

You did it again, guys. Congratulations! You managed to desecrate one of the most time-honored and innocuous of holiday traditions in your own unique Drawn Together style. Way to go, guys!

Keith [userpic]
Happy Motherf@#$*% Day, Everyone!
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at May 13th, 2012 (09:20 pm)

Location: Your mom's house
Feeling: flirty
Listening To: Mothers of Invention

Hey, gang! As you all know, today is Mother's Day. And while we all love and honor our own mothers, let's not forget about other people's mothers. Because the best thing about other people's moms is that you can have sex with them. (Let's not make any Oedipus jokes right now, okay?) So in honor of Mother's Day, let's all take turns naming who our all-time favorite MILF is. And she doesn't count if you've already had sex with her. Now, then. My choice would be Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. Who would yours be?

Keith [userpic]
I like when good defeats evil
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at April 11th, 2012 (11:45 pm)

Location: USA! USA! USA!
Feeling: jubilant
Listening To: The Who- You Better You Bet

Dear Diary:

Today is the greatest day ever.


Keith [userpic]
This is why we can't have nice things
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at December 18th, 2011 (03:16 pm)

Location: A den of sin
Feeling: disappointed
Listening To: Whatever sinners listen to. Justin Bieber?

All right, fine, you guys. I know that no matter what kind of sincere, reverential post I make trying to celebrate the holiest of holidays, you guys will cheapen it and turn it into something perverse and blasphemous. So rather than try to fight you on it, I'll just let you go ahead and let your sacrilegiousness run rampant. So each of you, go ahead and take one aspect of Christmas, and turn it into something depraved and horrifying. And... go!

Keith [userpic]
Tis the season... no, not THAT season
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at October 8th, 2011 (12:51 pm)

Location: The house
Feeling: excited
Listening To: Amy Grant - "Take Me Out to Jesus's Ballgame"

Okay, everyone! As you all know - mainly because I'm telling you now - the baseball playoffs are now down to four teams: the Cardinals, the Brewers, the Rangers, and the Tigers. Let's all go around the room and say which of those four teams we most want to win and which of them we least want to win. I'll go first since it's my thread and I like pushing my opinions on people. The team I most want to win is the Cardinals, because they're named after a bird and birds are pretty. And the team I least want to win is the Rangers because... um... stoves can be deadly?

Keith [userpic]
Just feeling like doing this... no reason
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at June 17th, 2011 (12:46 am)

Location: The kitchen
Feeling: energetic
Listening To: Food NOW!

Hey, guys! Remember that time we decided to make a post and try to get to 100 comments? Wasn't that wild? And then after that, we got really ambitious and went for 200 comments? Well, tonight, we're going for... get ready for it... SIX COMMENTS! Come on, gang, I think we can really do it!

Keith [userpic]
We got interrupted!
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at June 10th, 2011 (01:17 am)

Location: The smush room
Feeling: irritated
Listening To: Me singing some Barry White song

I was looking back at our hilarious conversation we had the other day about getting humped by Canadians and I realized something. Foxxy and I were about to have hot, wild sex and Toot interrupted us! How dare she! I could understand if she interrupted us because she wanted to have sex with me instead, which I understand because I'm all the time being interrupted during sex by other chicks who want me to ditch the lady I'm with and bang her instead, but Toot never said anything to me about wanting to have sex with me (her loss), so I guess that wasn't what she was after. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that Toot interrupted Foxxy and my sex for no good reason! How dare you, Toot! As soon as my haranguing of this black and white ho is over, Foxxy, what do you say you and me get back to that wild sex we were about to have? Huh?

Keith [userpic]
Perhaps we should call them the ho-lice
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at June 5th, 2011 (03:35 pm)

Location: Canada, very shortly
Feeling: curious
Listening To: My Humps

Hey, everyone! Fact of the day: Did you know that the national Canadian police are called Mounties? It's true! Isn't that hilarious?

Keith [userpic]
It's not just for dinner anymore!
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at March 27th, 2011 (06:51 pm)

Location: My place of inspiration- the john
Feeling: hopeful
Listening To: Rocky music

Hey, everybody! Did you hear this?


Pork board swaps 'White Meat' for 'Be Inspired'

DES MOINES, Iowa – "The Other White Meat" has another slogan.

The National Pork Board on Friday replaced the decades-old ad campaign with a new message: "Pork: Be Inspired."

Board officials said after nearly 25 years, it was time to move on from the old message that compared pork to chicken and instead try to increase sales by focusing on the estimated 82 million Americans who already eat pork.

Well, you heard them... time for you guys to be inspired! To eat more pork. *grins*

Keith [userpic]
Love is in the air, as opposed to Spanky's farts
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at February 13th, 2011 (03:07 pm)

Location: A place
Feeling: cheerful
Listening To: Did Amy Grant do a VD song? Then that.

Happy VD, everyone!

Keith [userpic]
When large monuments hit puberty
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at January 1st, 2011 (02:10 am)

Location: Some other balls
Feeling: cheerful
Listening To: Me singing Auld Lang Syne

Hey, did y'all see on TV? Looks like Times Square is a man, everyone- it just dropped its ball! We should do something to mark this special occasion.

Keith [userpic]
No, Clara, I'm not
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at December 8th, 2010 (06:16 pm)

Location: Not my happy place
Feeling: aggravated
Listening To: Some weird chick singing Christmas songs

Okay, guys. Does anybody object to this one?

Keith [userpic]
Are you saying that this house is a dump to you?
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at December 8th, 2010 (04:56 pm)

Location: My Christmas place
Feeling: annoyed
Listening To: Amy Grant singing Christmas songs, what else?

Spanky, I'd like a word with you about the Christmas cards you gave all of us. They're... not exactly in the best of taste.

Explain? Please?

Keith [userpic]
Showing off my alphabetical skillz
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at November 4th, 2010 (08:06 pm)

Location: Wales
Feeling: cheerful
Listening To: Wonder Woman theme on woodwinds

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Your Name: Wooldoor
Famous Music artist/group: Who
3 letter word: wee
Color: white
Gift/present: Wii
Vehicle: weiner (Cause you can ride them.)
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway? (They never did figure that out, did they?
Country: Winston- it's flavor country!
Boy's Name: Willie
Girl's Name: Willa
Alcoholic drink: Wine
Occupation: Wang surgeon
Flower: Wisteria
Celebrity: Wooldoor Sockbat. I'm a celebrity! I was caught in the tabloids making out with Elle MacPherson. She totally started it.
Food: weiners
Something found in a kitchen: weiners
Reason for Being Late: Was held up by saying "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" for a very long time.
Something You Shout: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Keith [userpic]
This is the most important quiz we'll ever take
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at October 13th, 2010 (11:38 pm)

Location: Foxxy's Pleasure Palace
Feeling: excited
Listening To: That sexy music that plays all the time when stuff happens

This is an issue that's been very much on my mind lately, and I wasn't quite sure where to turn. I tried to ask Dr. Phil, but every time I called, he would say "Wait until it's the topic of my show, bitch!" So I finally found the answers from the source of all wisdom: the internet! I found a little internet quiz that answered my question.

Are you ready to lose your virginity?

You Are Ready

Ultimately, the decision to get physical comes down to you and your partner, but you do seem ready.

It's likely that you have been thinking about taking this step for a while... and for all the right reasons.

There's no way this quiz can make the call for you, but it doesn't seem like you have anything to worry about.

Be safe, be honest, and have fun!

Yeah, baby! All right, Hero, let's go. Looks like I's is finally ready!

Keith [userpic]
Ha ha! Two in a row for me!
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at October 7th, 2010 (01:05 am)
Location: I LOVE ICARLY!
Listening To: No, not really

Hello everyone! It's time for another installment of that segment you all love so much. It's... What Can't Spanky Masturbate To? You know how it works. You give me a topic- any topic- and I'll figure out a way to use it as spank material. Ready? Go!

rayluxyacht [userpic]
An open letter to the nation
by rayluxyacht (rayluxyacht)
at September 21st, 2010 (10:39 pm)

Location: Canada
Feeling: disappointed
Listening To: Tom Jones - Sex Bomb

Dear America:

You suck.

Sincerely, Spanky Ham

Keith [userpic]
Let's not get crabby this time
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at September 4th, 2010 (04:16 pm)

Location: I just told you
Feeling: cheerful
Listening To: I don't know, that steel guitar thing that always plays when I do stuff

Hey, guys! Just want you to know I made it to Cape Cod safe and sound. I'm all charged up and ready to participate in tomorrow morning's annual running of the crabs! Thankfully there were no incidents like last time.

Keith [userpic]
I liked the scene where Hero was almost naked
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at August 3rd, 2010 (03:43 pm)

Location: On top of Hero
Feeling: curious
Listening To: Bow chicka bow bow

This is neat! When did you guys make this?

Keith [userpic]
Current events! But not tiny grapes.
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at July 26th, 2010 (03:54 pm)

Location: You'll never catch me, coppers!
Feeling: curious
Listening To: Garth Brooks- Rodeo

So, guys... did anybody happen to see that thing on the news last night?

Keith [userpic]
Giving humanity a bad name
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at June 11th, 2010 (12:14 pm)

Location: The other side of the country
Feeling: good
Listening To: Bruce Springsteen- Born to Run

Quiz time, everyone! Today's trivia question is... name a popular TV reality show that draws a lot of hatred because it's trashy, vulgar, entirely populated with stereotypes, and features Snookie. Anybody know?

Keith [userpic]
So we're just gonna look the other way on this one?
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at May 2nd, 2010 (11:53 am)

Location: The Drawn Together house. YEAH BITCHES!
Feeling: disappointed
Listening To: The Weener Song

Okay... you guys... I know we've been sort of avoiding it because it brings up a lot of unpleasant subjects, but the movie has been out for a couple of weeks now, and we're going to have to start talking about it sometime, so we might as well start now. So... who wants to go first?

Keith [userpic]
Our threads tend to devolve into this anyway, but...
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at April 3rd, 2010 (03:55 pm)

Location: Huh
Feeling: curious
Listening To: Foxxy Five singing Irish folk songs but making them all about doing it

Here's a fun one I found on some site.

Insult the person above you in this thread.

And... go!

Keith [userpic]
I'm blowing the whistle! But don't worry, I bought it dinner first.
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at March 18th, 2010 (04:27 pm)

Location: The mud puddle outside
Feeling: bouncy
Listening To: Rammstein covering Amy Grant

LiveJournal Username
Are you addicted to LJ?
Did you shower today?
Still believes in Santa Claushotchocolate88
Thinks you need to get laidjesusgirl37
Wonders if you're not really all bark and no bite puffyfan79
Has the hots for their neighbor pornfedpig
Is trying to find the courage to propose to youtootsicle
Is scared they might be pregnant by their boss! :Omanginafrk69
Sleeps in Batman-Pjs 16inches
This Fun Quiz created by Cami at BlogQuiz.Net
Weight Loss Tips at WeightLossTips.TV

Awww, Toot... I accept! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Keith [userpic]
God 31, Satan 17
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at February 27th, 2010 (02:50 pm)

Location: The US, by way of Morningwood
Feeling: jubilant
Listening To: Elton John- Saint

All right, you guys, I know I promised I'd wait until after the Olympics are over to do this, but I can't wait any longer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Saints win Super Bowl! Saints win Super Bowl! A victory for God in what you civilians call "The Big Game". Oh yes! Eat that, you heathens!

Keith [userpic]
Let's start the new year by doing a pointless quiz!
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at January 1st, 2010 (10:28 pm)

Location: The place where balls are dropping
Feeling: dirty
Listening To: That ho song

1. Elaborate on your default icon. It's me crapping in a cantaloupe, what's to elaborate on? Well... fine. This was after we first moved into the house. I asked the producers to get the good kind of cantaloupe and they got the crappy kind. This was my clever way of informing them that they got the crappy kind. I'll pause while that one sinks in.

2. What's your current relationship status?

Depends on the episode. This one episode I was married, but then another time I was dating Clara and then another time I was dating this chick who had a thing for piss orgies. As for my current relationship status, since tonight is Dutch oven night at the house, I am definitely married tonight. Can't miss Dutch oven night. No way.

3. Ever have a near-death experience? Yeah, the time the wife made me watch Bridges of Madison County with her.

4. Name an obvious quality you have. My incredible modesty.

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now? That song about how you should never trust a ho. She told me no bills over fifty dollars, implying fifties are okay, and then she won't take my fifty! Don't trust a ho, indeed.

6. Name a celebrity you would marry. Valerie Bertinelli. Hey, she's been in like, every Lifetime movie. She's gotta be damn good at crying.

7. This one was missing so um.... What's your favourite colour? What's a colour? Is that like a color? Or do you mean collar? It would be the one on my hostage negotiation shirt, thank you very much.

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? Yes. You didn't ask me which celebrity, so I'm not going to say.

9. Do you wear a watch? What kind? Yes. The kind that tells time.

10. Do you have anything pierced? Do I look like Xandir to you?

11. Do you have any tattoos? I have a thin horizontal line tattooed on my upper forehead.

12. Do you like pain? I enjoy the momentary strain when you're depositing a gigantic crap. It hurts, but the poo that results is oh so worth it.

13. Where do you like to shop? The store.

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? A whore.

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card? A whore.

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? A whore.

17. What is on your desktop background? A whore.

18. What is the background on your cell phone? A whore.

19. Do you like redheads? Yes. I am also partial to those with pink heads.

20. Do you know any twins? I know Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. They're nice guys.

21. Do you have any weird relatives? No. Absolutely everyone in my family is totally normal. My six-nippled Dutch oven-loving identical twin wife and midget-me son agree with me on this.

22. What was the last movie you watched? The Hangover.

23. If you had $100 to spare, who would you give it to? A whore.

24. What was your favorite book as a child? Where the Wild Things Are.

Keith [userpic]
I go all out to celebrate the holidays
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at December 8th, 2009 (04:04 pm)

Location: The DT house
Feeling: blah
Listening To: Some Christmas crap

Hey, everyone. I finished putting up our Christmas lights! And I even took a picture! Here you go!

Keith [userpic]
I think this will be fun! But then, what *don't* I think will be fun?
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at November 16th, 2009 (02:01 pm)
Location: The science museum (in a few minutes)
Listening To: My theme song, what else?

Hey, does anybody want to go to the science museum with me this afternoon? I personally guarantee that you'll all see many eye-poping sights!

Keith [userpic]
Ling-Ling going to get jump on this one
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at October 6th, 2009 (07:29 pm)

Location: My abode
Feeling: busy
Listening To: Puffy Amiyumi- Engrish version of Judge Fudge theme

Not it!

Keith [userpic]
It can't always be humorous
by Keith (rayluxuryacht)
at September 30th, 2009 (07:11 pm)

Location: The funeral home (aka the garbage disposal)
Feeling: morose
Listening To: A slow organ version of Crashy Smashy Die Die Die

Friends, housemates, everyone... I have some sad news to pass along. One of our beloved secondary characters has passed on. Let's all have a moment of silence for our dear friend, Judge Fudge. Passed away on September 30, 2009, death due to being left sitting in the car on a hot day. He leaves behind a wife, a couple of kids, and a brown spot on the dashboard. He will be missed.

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